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How can you identify a narcissist?
In Narcissistic Abuse Discussions
Zoe Dagney
Mar 11, 2022
There are many red flags, there will be a red flag nearly every day that you spend with them. Some red flags of a narcissistic partner: They blame a lot of things on you, other people or the situation They believe they are always right Arrogance and over-confidence. They are just over-compensating for insecurity, but their 'confidence' can be very convincing They are critical of you, the way you do things, the way you say things, the way you are in bed etc. If you keep spending time with them they will knock your confidence They say things like “I'm perfect”, “I have good genes”, “I'm special”, “I'm unique”, “I'm gifted” They give themselves credit for everything and steal credit from other people They are charming and friendly around other people. But if you pay attention, you can tell there's something fake about the way they're acting. They often either act like a cocky salesman, or they act a bit shy and vulnerable. They might even have friends who haven't seen their true colours, and think they're sweet and maybe an emotionally vulnerable type of person who needs support from others They love to play the victim. They are always the victim There is something off about them which is hard to put your finger on. You have a gut feeling that something isn't right They lie, they might even boast about the lies they've got away with They are grandiose. They say ridiculous things deadpan like “I'm the prophet”, “I'm the Buddha re-incarnated”, “I'm enlightened”, “I was put on this earth to tell people what to do” They say things like they would do a better job at running their workplace than the qualified manager, even though they have no manager experience They are in debt. Also they fall out with their friends / family because they didn't pay them back, and they don't pay you back unless maybe you remind them You feel insecure when you spend more time with them They don't respect your boundaries They use people for their own gain. They get you to do things for them, and usually only do things for you if they have an agenda or to appear like a good partner in front of other people They try to take on the leader role in a group, even if that group all know each other more than they know him/her They say and imply that you need to change, but when you tell them what they need to change, they say things like “I don't need to change. I'm perfect. But you're doing this, this and this wrong and I'm not getting any compensation for it. I'll get you to do this and this for me.” They are emotionally abusive, especially when they don't get their own way You feel like you qualify for a diagnosis of PTSD They 'guilt-trip' you to get what they want or to shift the blame on to you They have been in past unstable relationships, but it's always them who was the victim. They say demeaning things about exes They have / had some kind of drama / fall out going on with their family. Such as, when their ex threw them out their family wouldn't let them stay at their house They have slept with a lot of people in the past and are likely to brag about it. My ex said he got 4 girls pregnant (!) They don't show much empathy when you're upset. Even if they do sometimes, it's either an act or they lack empathy compared to an average person They brag about their 'success'. “I've been to the best art college in the country”, “I'm in a position to give advice because I've had a lot of success”, “You're just jealous of all my success.” “I just win at life” They knock you down to build themselves up. And they might disguise put-downs as jokes and banter They love-bomb you at the start, where they give you loads of attention, say you're their soulmate after like a week, say they're falling for you before they've even met you in person etc. etc. They idealise you by saying things like “I would use you as an example of a perfect human being”. Their compliments are often implying that you're better than other people. When they realise you're anything less than perfect, they devalue you. Which is emotional abuse btw. This is called splitting, where they alternate between seeing you as all-good then all-bad. And you're either better than other people or less than other people They have low self-control and find it hard to resist temptation. They often have addiction problems They have a sense of entitlement, they just deserve the best in their mind They project their insecurities and wrong-doings on you. And their insecurities are “your fault” You don't trust them, except maybe near the start You feel like they could cheat on you at any moment. If you feel like that, it means they are probably capable of cheating and are likely to at some point. They are expert liars. If they actually have NPD, it's basically a ticking time bomb until they cheat on you and you might never find out. They have the attitude of “what she doesn't know can't hurt her” They gaslight They put down and mock you, their friends behind their back and like everyone on TV They never bother to hide from you that they find someone else attractive. You will start comparing yourself negatively to other people They don't put effort into buying people presents They display crocodile tears, where they pretend to cry to get their own way and appear vulnerable and sensitive Their emotions are over the top, and they are volatile. Although sometimes they will appear like they have no emotions. This could be for lots of reasons other than NPD but pay attention. You will also become an emotional wreck and often feel empty around them They compete with you on everything down to the washing up They also give you compliments and act nice to you in-between, you think ah but they're so nice sometimes Too many red flags to write here. (It's not a list to diagnose NPD, just behaviours I've noticed in narcissistic people)
Zoe Dagney
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